The Pain I Feel

For as long as I can remember, I have been at war with my own mind. Growing up, I did not know the word anxiety. I just knew something was wrong. For the first 25 years of my life I thought I was crazy, that the things I felt and the ways I reacted were proof that I was broken. The world around me did not help much either. In my youth, the most common prescription for my struggles was not therapy or medication. It was being told I needed “a good kick up the ass.” That was the reality. No understanding, no real help. Just a sense that I had to tough it out.

The Pain I Feel was born out of those years and everything that followed. It is not just a song. It is a reflection of my fight with mental health. I have lived through dissociation, hyper-awareness, extreme sensitivity to light and noise, and overwhelming confusion. I have had moments where I lost control completely, trying to get out of moving cars, developing full-on ticks, running from nothing I could name. At my lowest point, I locked myself away in my room for months, losing battle after battle, convinced I would never come out.

But then one day, I did. I found enough strength to step outside that room and reach out for help. And I was lucky enough to find a doctor who actually listened. That moment did not erase the struggle. I do not believe you ever “win” this fight. But it gave me the tools to begin managing it. For me, medication was not the answer, though I know it helps many. Instead, I had to find my own ways to cope, to push back against the monsters that never really go away.

That is what The Pain I Feel is about. The chorus is a cry of defiance:

I stand my ground, won’t back down,
Headfirst I dive into the fight.
You won’t see the fear in me,
I keep it hidden, out of sight.

It is about the war within, the fear buried so deep that no one else can see it. It is about fighting battles that never end, knowing the monsters will always return, but refusing to give up.

But there is another side to this story too, the people who were pulled into my darkness along the way. To my partners who stood by me during those hardest times: I am sorry. You deserved better than the chaos I brought into our lives. At the time, none of us knew what we were really up against. There was nothing you could have done, but you were there anyway. Your incredible support, even when I could not explain what I was going through, will always mean more to me than I can say. Thank you, truly.

Writing this song was not easy. It meant putting into words experiences I had spent years hiding. But it also gave me a kind of release. Music lets me say what I could not say out loud, and in that process, it connects me to others who might be going through the same thing.

I do not think anyone’s journey with anxiety or mental health is the same. Some people take medication. Some find therapy. Some find strength in faith, community, or art. I found a little of mine in writing this song. The problems never go away completely. If I get too tired, too worn down, they can still overwhelm me. But I have learned that as long as I keep fighting, I am not lost.

The Pain I Feel is for anyone who has ever sat in silence, hiding what they are going through, and for anyone who has ever felt like being “okay” was out of reach. If you have felt that, you will know the truth in this song. You are not alone in the fight.